e_t_a: (wtflolbbq)
No, really. The pitiful-est. Pitifullest? Anyway. To distract myself from my current state of abject misery, I'm going to keep hunt-and-peck typing this out with my one free hand (the only body part not currently huddled under the giant puffy comforter with the rest of pitiful me).

It's been an interesting few months,to say the least. )

The Temeraire books! They're good! )
e_t_a: (Default)
Last night the boyf found himself really needing to talk about 'us' and our nonconventional relationship. We talked about us, about him, about me, about labels and plans and going off-script. I think I was able to make him feel better, to understand himself better. I showed him my own thought process and viewpoint. Honestly, I'm glad we are the way we are. I don't want 'normal', I don't do well with expectations and assumptions and treating relationships like goals. He's one of my best friends. I'm one of his. (He confessed it was confusing to him that he could talk about me with, well, me! We can communicate - that can't be normal, right? Haha.) I value the trust and acceptance we seem to have developed with each other. So it's different, so it can't be summed up with a word. We have a relationship, and it works for us in this moment.

You have to live the life you have. (Thank you, thefourthvine, for sharing about your son, for giving me such a clearly encapsulated understanding of what I've been feeling. You can't compare your situation to anyone else's, or even to society's expectations. Everyone is different, everyone is dealt different cards. That's life.)

e_t_a: (colors)
It's been two years without my grandfather now. More than two, but two Father's Day in particular. I always used to get him a card and chocolate covered cherries; they were his favorite, but he'd rarely buy them for himself. I still miss him. I try to hold on to the nuance of his voice and the feel of his hugs, his wry humor and gentle stoic outlook. It's strange for me to think about how much has happened since the last time we talked, how much he hasn't been here for. I'm grateful that he isn't in pain anymore, isn't sick anymore, but god. I miss him.

My own father I have many feelings about, but lately it's been hard to remember I love him. I suppose it's sad, but I've come to accept that the best lesson he can give me is an object lesson in how not to live my life -- a terrible note to end on, but I am running out of steam. Too meany sad thoughts. Time for some sleep and a better tomorrow.
e_t_a: (wtflolbbq)
23, man. 23! I've managed to survive an entire week past my birthday, which, haha, is actually an accomplishment. Let me just say, roadtripping to San Diego/LA was a lot of fun, but became the kind of vacation that is now a cautionary tale for Everyone I Know, Ever. XD

On the one hand, I now know for sure that I'm the person who can hold the fort down when the crazy hits the fan. I've also learned that sometimes you just gotta open your mouth and (gently) let someone know when their idea is a dumb one. Sometimes not following your instincts to avoid hurting someone's feelings or 'causing a problem' gets you driving down the road to Darwin Award territory.

In other news, dementia is morbidly fascinating. Spatial reasoning is shockingly important: who knew?


Jan. 14th, 2010 10:13 pm
e_t_a: (ganesh)
There's something deeply satisfying about an exploding vampire. :D

Daybreakers! It's a very fun vampire movie, and there's not a sparkle to be found. I was aiming for an advance screening of The Book of Eli, but arrived about a half hour too late for the line, so we went to see this gory little beauty instead. Aaand I'm still smiling. Ha!

Last night was weird. About one in the morning I found the back door wide open! I just about had a heart attack. Logically, I knew that nothing sinister was likely going on since the dogs were happily sleeping, but I had to check everywhere and turn all the lights on to get some peace of mind. Even then, I couldn't make myself go back to sleep for hours. Adrenaline: it's not so fun.


Jan. 3rd, 2010 10:30 pm
e_t_a: (fraggles!)
So, the last few months have been ... something. Too much to go into, really.

Anyway! This is not a post for dwelling, this is a post for the new year! I've never really gone for new year's Resolutions, but I've come up with some Words for my 2010 intentions:

- Accountability
- Focus
- Independence

So, yes. I'm going to make it a habit to post more frequently, though I doubt they'll be long ones. Tally ho!

Oh oh oh!

Apr. 17th, 2009 02:17 am
e_t_a: (fraggles!)
The Astronomer and the Poet

1. Why I stargaze

We share ninety-eight percent of our genetic code
with rats. Over half with grain. The stars, then,
must contain us somehow in their burning.

Something must contain this burning. Uptown,
our physics building is sequestered in a bubble
of certainty. And Harlem explodes around it.

We gaze because we're so small, despite
our need for choosing. We look skyward
to leave the best question hanging—why

an amazing woman is always amazing, even
with her head in her hands. It's true; there is no
way to know how small we are, or large.

I went to see I Love You, Man with an old/new friend tonight. It's a great feeling when you slide back into a friendship and click into place; I don't even mind that I can't tell if it was meant as a date or not! Too happy for overthinking. Mmmm.

ILY,M was, by the way, blah blah, this is not at all spoilery if you've seen the trailer or heard anything about it, but eh. Cut it I shall. )


Apr. 2nd, 2009 06:35 am
e_t_a: (colors)
Two Countries
by Naomi Shihab Nye

Skin remembers how long the years grow
when skin is not touched, a gray tunnel
of singleness, feather lost from the tail
of a bird, swirling onto a step,
swept away by someone who never saw
it was a feather. [...]

Read it on greatpoets here.

We lost my grandfather, my Papa, one week and four days ago. We held his memorial the day after my portfolio review, and the day before my graduation ceremony. I am... very tired.


Dec. 9th, 2008 04:42 am
e_t_a: (ganesh)
Someone I love and admire is fading away by inches. I can't stop it, and the only way to help is to keep smiling, and teasing, and breathing. Oh, Papa.

My grandparents are my definition of love. I have never seen two people so balanced by each other, so delighted by each other, so focused on the other's happiness. They are breaking my heart.


Nov. 5th, 2008 01:41 am
e_t_a: (art not war)
\0/ HE WON, OMG EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I am so happy!

on the less joyful side of the coin: )
e_t_a: (colors)
Thumbelina, man. It does things to you. )


Oct. 10th, 2008 05:14 am
e_t_a: (Default)
Long week.

My grandmother had been in a rehab center the last two days, until this afternoon! When she ended up back in the ER with blood clots! Sigh. And here I was happily thankful she wasn't hallucinating and terrified any longer.

In better news, I'm back in classes and they don't suck beyond the telling. However, I'm not sure whether to feel excitement or paralyzing fear over the fact that I graduate in March. I think I'll go with ignoring it for now...

Only tangentially related: rocketdock is my new best friend. It gives your PC a Mac-like dock! It works well with my sticker icons! *loves*
e_t_a: (wtflolbbq)
e_t_a: (art not war)
So we've all been watching over my grandpa closely, since he's going through chemotherapy and has been very weak, right? And now my grandma has fallen and broken her hip. We thought she was home taking a nap and instead she was on the floor, for two hours. Jesus god.
e_t_a: (wtflolbbq)
Oh, spam. How I love thee.
ahahaha )
e_t_a: (colors)
It may be crude, but I have an inordinate fondness for the phrase, "no shit, sherlock."


In other news: man, I am so burned out, despite feeling gleefully victorious over the completion of two assignments. Unfortunately, project number three is kicking my obstinate, procrastinating butt. I want my week off so bad.
e_t_a: (wtflolbbq)
Finals almost done. Oy. I have one big thing to take care of, one medium thing to do, two tiny things and then that's it. Freedom for a month, I can't wait!

On another note - my birthday weekend was perfect, except of course for how we came home only to find out my grandpa has lung cancer, and it may have already spread. Sigh. It's been a long week.


Mar. 20th, 2008 02:22 am
e_t_a: (fraggles!)


Feb. 19th, 2008 03:07 pm
e_t_a: (ganesh)
Aaaagh. Finally got my computer back yesterday, have been spending a stupid amount of time setting the bastard back up and reinstalling all the programs I lost when the hard drive crashed. I'm still not done. Rrrrgh. The damn thing wasn't even 5 months old yet!

The main thing I'm pissed about is losing about 2 months' worth of bookmarks I'd been planning to move over to del.icio.us but hadn't yet. Almost all my files were backed up, thank god, but I have been so slowed down the last couple weeks without access to the frickin' programs that the old laptop I've had to use instead just can't handle. Which was the reason for the new desktop in the first place!

Oh well, at least it's back now with a functioning fan and (hopefully) functioning hard drive. The last couple weeks have just been so... tiring.

Book reviews coming soon.


Jan. 12th, 2008 12:41 am
e_t_a: (whysoserious)
Just got new glasses, and am not sure how I feel about them yet. )

Unrelated to that,
I've been thinking over the 50 book challenge thing, )


e_t_a: (Default)
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